The Power of Expectations

Our expectations have the power to create profound disappointment… if we let them.

Two and half years ago my husband was offered a position at a tech company in the Bay Area, so we decided to make the big move from Portland, Oregon. A risky move career wise, we decided to keep our Portland roots largely intact as we began our new life in California. When I was a kid, my family spent 2 brief years in Southern California, and I fondly remember the warm, sunny days and al fresco dining full of fresh salads and exotic ingredients like capers and avocado. These memories, combined with the fun times spent at Disneyland with my husband and now-adult children, got me excited to begin our new life.

In preparation of leaving what had become home over the past six years since moving to be with my then-boyfriend, I began to envision what life in the Bay Area would be like. I wasn’t unfamiliar with the area by any means. I frequently traveled for work to Santa Clara and for pleasure to San Francisco, so I I had a pretty good idea of what to expect. I even knew going in that the traffic had become increasingly painful and the cost of living increasingly high, so I set off to do some research on neighborhoods to live and ways to make our commutes work.

The two things I love most about Portland are the walkability of the city and the amazing food scene within the city of neighborhoods. I set out to replicate this in my new home as I scoped out rentals in various suburbs near Santa Clara and Palo Alto where our two offices were located. After testing Google Maps commute times and touring quaint downtown areas, we settled on a 3 bedroom house with an office and an outdoor kitchen in Willow Glen, a neighborhood of San Jose.

Having completed the exciting “where” aspect of our move, I began to envision the “what” portion. What would we do for fun?

I’d grown tired of the rain and darkness that consumed half of every year in Portland, and I was most excited for sunny, bright mornings. I was looking forward to not gaining weight in the dead of winter due to freezing rain storms at worst and cold rain at best. I imagined pounds being shed, a youthful glow being recaptured. I imagined outdoor dinners eaten downtown and sips of wine from the vineyards of Sonoma, the bounty of California served on that bistro set in the backyard.

Boy, was I wrong.

We arrived in California January 19th, which marked the beginning of the wettest winter in over a decade. I thought it would just be a rainy week. But that turned into a rainy 3 months. And any time I complained about the rain I was met with a chastising, “oh, but we’re in a drought, we need the rain.” My dreams of getting healthy began to slip away.

When we ventured to new spots in our cute neighborhood, we found ourselves fighting crowds and waitlists of 2-3 hours long. When we finally got to a restaurant early enough to enjoy a shorter wait, we found the food paled in comparison with our Pacific Northwest favorites. The commutes to work were reasonable when carefully plotted, but in actuality, the time would slowly tick up the moment we started our drives home. On average we each spent over an hour on our drives home.

I became increasingly miserable, even as my husband was flourishing in his new career. In my lonely office filled with people that I didn’t know, I would spend days without speaking to anyone in person. On my commute home every day, I would brainstorm ideas on how to get out of the funk.

You see, I fully recognized that I needed to figure it out. My husband loved his new job, and I knew we were not going back to Oregon. I wanted to be with my husband wherever he was. So, I needed to figure out how to love California. By examining my many disappointments about the move, I realized that it wasn’t California’s fault why I hated it. It was just that it was much different from what I expected.

So, I chose to adjust to the reality of the situation. The restaurants and grocery stores were crowded and not very good, so I would cook more or order a meal prep service to my door. We couldn't find a good trainer or gym, so we bought “The Mirror” to bring the workouts home to us. We moved north so that we were closer to San Francisco, making our commutes equal to what they were before. Now we were able to pop into the city to see a show, have a meal, and see The Bay.

I’ve learned that expectations can ruin an experience, so I try to hold things more lightly. Now I let them unfold before me and fully experience them before assuming how they will turn out.

And now, when January 19th rolls around, I will always know that the rainy season is starting. And I know to enjoy it because we need the rain here, and the flower buds will pop up soon, telling me that spring is right around the corner.